


Looking Up

by janetcarter



Category: His Dark Materials (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Pre-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, lowkey suicide attempt, very very lightly implied homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27769501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janetcarter/pseuds/janetcarter
Summary: A young Lee wonders why he even bothers anymore, until Hester shows him something in the sky.
Relationships: Lee Scoresby & Hester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Looking Up

**Author's Note:**

> For the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt "Suicide Attempt", but the attempt itself leans more toward ideation.

As a boy, it wasn't uncommon for Lee to hide out in the mountains by his hometown. He could never climb very high, what with the injuries from his father and the fact his limbs were as thin as twigs. But it was the only place that didn't outright reject him. Even if it left his hands bloodied and his knees weak, it was kinder than what his father gave him. If he could build up his strength, if he could just reach the top, maybe he could prove himself. Maybe his father wouldn't beat him no more, maybe the townsfolk wouldn't reject him for being the way he was.

Sadly, it was one of those days where he looked up and could hardly see the peak.

He dropped himself into a sitting position, legs over the ledge as he caught his breath, metal in his throat. The drop down seemed a lot simpler than the rest of the way up, not that he wanted to go home anyway. "I can't do it, Hester."

"You don't need to," she said softly. She had morphed herself from a bird to a fox and slumped down beside him. "He isn't going to stop either way."

He almost laughed, but he stopped himself. According to his father, his laugh was too much like a girlish giggle, not the strong bellow a man should have. "What, so there's nothing I can do to make him treat me kind?"

"I didn't say that, I just…" She rested her face against his hand. "I don't think there's a point in beating yourself up, too."

He sat himself up straighter to look at the view below. It was a clear drop-down, high enough up for the couple houses near the mountain to look smaller.

"You got really far today," Hester said, looking back up at him. "You should be proud."

"We both know it ain't enough." He stood up, toeing the edge. He doubted he could survive the drop, even at such a measly height. He was weak, after all. It'd snap his bones the instant he hit. Maybe that was a good thing.

It'd be over in a quick minute. He could almost feel it. One heavy foot on thin air, followed by the next…

That was all it'd take.

"Lee?"

He flinched, nearly losing his balance. He planted his feet a bit firmer into the dust. "I-I know, Hester."

"No, up there!" She shifted back into a bird and soared above, guiding his eyes to what she'd seen.

A giant balloon swayed in the winds above. If he squinted, he could almost see the pilot dancing with ropes and meters, singing a duet with the weather itself. If he squinted even harder, he could almost see himself up there, with Hester as an eagle soaring alongside.

Chills ran all over his bruised skin. Maybe he didn't need to be stuck here the rest of his life. Maybe there was a way out, an escape riding the winds rather than cutting himself up trying to scale the harsh mountain path.

Once the balloon became too small to track much longer, Hester looked back up to the peak. "Think we should keep going?"

Lee thought for a moment. If he made it to the top, what then? He'd still have his father to go home to at the bottom. But if he could manage to fly away somehow, he'd still be aiming for the sky. He'd be aiming for so much more, too.

For the first time in a long while, Lee felt a smile tugging at his lips. "Naw. There ain't much for us up there, is there?"

"Don't tell me," she said playfully, flittering past his face until flapping steadily in front of him. "You finally gonna join me in the sky?"

He laughed, a light giggle that echoed throughout the mountain and leapt onto the wind. "I think I just might."


End file.
